Out of office

Right now, I spend the majority of my waking hours looking after the twins. I went back to my corporate job after my maternity leave ended – and left six months later. It was a tricky time and, ultimately, it just wasn’t doable.

I’m a content design lead. Alongside a team of UX designers, writers and researchers, I help shape digital experiences. I worked hard to get there – and loved it. I never felt Sunday dread. I’ve had jobs that drained the life out of me, but that wasn’t one of them.

I also loved maternity leave. I loved being a first-time mum of two. I was in a bubble: with the girls all the time, learning how to be a mum, showing them the world. By the end of the year, I thought I had it figured out. I’d go back three days a week, then four, then five. I’d get to use my brain again, continue to have a career and still spend precious time with the girls before they went to school.

But reality was very different. I hadn’t anticipated how much had changed – or perhaps how little attention I’d paid to the state of the world while buried in nappies. The ongoing economic uncertainty, Brexit trade disruption and cost of living crisis were still weighing on businesses and forcing them to make cuts. The hangover of the pandemic lingered. And then came AI, bringing with it a knee-jerk rush to automate jobs that weren’t quite ready to be automated.

Across industries, companies were downsizing. People I knew were being made redundant or rethinking their careers – including the people I worked alongside.

Returning to work as a new mum came with its own pressures: the guilt of leaving tiny babies; the guilt of rushing out the door at 4pm when everyone else was still working; missing after-work drinks; logging back on once the girls were asleep; trying to fit everything into three days, then catching up on the two I wasn’t there; the endless nursery bugs they caught at different times. And, of course, the £200-a-day nursery bill.

So I made the decision to leave – terrifying and liberating in equal measure. I don’t know exactly what the future looks like yet, but I know I never set out to swap my career for motherhood. My career has always been part of my identity – and for a long time, my safety net. Now I’m rethinking how to do something I love that fits this new version of my life.

In the meantime, here I am – out of office, mostly in jeans and trainers, navigating a different kind of work-life balance.

Tuesday: bomber jacket, Oliver Bonas; t-shirt, Cos; jeans, Citizens of Humanity; belt, Accessorize; trainers, Nike.

This essay was also published on Substack.